The Art of the Self-Deal
In the suit, filed in Miami federal court on Thursday, Trump
alleges that the IRS was responsible for the leak of some of Trump’s tax
documents to press in September 2020. The leak occurred by an IRS contractor.
The leaked tax documents revealed that Trump paid only $750
in federal income taxes in 2016, the year he first won the presidency, and paid
no taxes at all in 10 of the previous 15 years.
The lawsuit claims that the leak caused Trump and his family
“reputational and financial harm, public embarrassment, unfairly tarnished
their business reputations, portrayed them in a false light, and negatively
affected President Trump.”
Oh please.
Trump has been unique among presidential candidates and
presidents in refusing to release his tax documents to the public.
He’s also been unique among presidents in filing lawsuits
against the government — his government, which is supposed to
be our government.
He’s also been unique among presidents in turning the
Justice Department into his own private law firm — at least unique since 1975,
when Gerald Ford rescued the department from the clutches of Richard Nixon.
So how, exactly, is this $10 billion lawsuit against the IRS
going to work? Who will represent the government — that is, you and I and every
other taxpayer that would, in effect, have to shell out $10 billion if he wins?
How can the Justice Department represent us when
Trump has directed the department to do whatever he wants it
to do? If there are settlement negotiations with him, who’s going to negotiate
the settlement with him? Who’s going to sign the final agreement with him?
This takes the “art of the deal” into a surreal new dimension. Trump will be making a deal with himself.
[Scene: The Oval Office. President Trump is sitting
behind the Resolute Desk. In front of him is Donald Trump, as himself.]
Trump as president: “So, Mr. Trump, as to this
lawsuit, what do you REALLY want?”
Trump as himself: “I told you: $10 billion.”
Trump as president: “Will all due respect, Mr.
Trump, that’s ludicrous.”
Trump as himself: “It’s NOT ludicrous! Your IRS
illegally released my tax returns!”
Trump as president: “It’s not my IRS.”
Trump as himself: “Then whose IRS is it?”
Trump as president: “Yours! You’re a citizen of the
United States! The IRS works for you!
Trump as himself: “Bullshit! You’re president! The IRS
works for YOU!”
Trump as president [trying to reason with Trump
as himself]: “Look, there’s no way I can justify to the American people
paying you $10 billion.”
Trump as himself: “You have no choice.”
Trump as president: “Of course I have a choice. I
can say ‘No.” In fact, I will say ‘No.’ [He clears his throat] …
NO!”
Trump as himself: “NOBODY says ‘NO’ to me. I’m
Donald Trump!”
Trump as president: “Well, I’m the f*cking president
of the United States!”
Trump as himself: “Okay, Mr. F*cking President
Trump. I’ll take this all the way to the Supreme Court!”
Trump as president [laughing]: “Try it!
They’ll decide the case for ME! I own seven of them!”
Trump as himself: “NO, they’ll decide the case for
ME! I appointed three of them and the rest OWE me!”
Trump as president: “You’re out of your mind!”
Trump as himself: “You’re a moron!”
Trump as president [rising out of his chair and pointing to
the door]: “Get the hell out of my office!”
Trump as himself: “NO! YOU get the hell out of MY
office!”
[They lunge at each other. It becomes the scene from the
movie “Fight Club” where Edward Norton beats himself up until he finally
realizes that his nemesis is a figment of his own imagination, whereupon he
stops fighting and shoots himself.]
[The End]
