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By City St George’s, University of London
Most people recognize the familiar moment at a restaurant or
dinner party when their meal arrives, yet they hesitate to begin eating because
others are still waiting. This long-standing custom was the focus of new
research co-authored by Bayes Business School. The findings show that
individuals tend to worry more about breaking this norm themselves than about
others doing so.
The study, conducted by Irene Scopelliti, Professor of
Marketing and Behavioural Science, and Janina Steinmetz, Professor of Marketing
at Bayes, together with Dr Anna Paley from the Tilburg School of Economics and
Management, explored how people judge their own behavior compared with what
they expect from others in the same situation. Their work drew on six separate
experiments.
Participants were asked to imagine sharing a meal with a
friend. In some scenarios, they received their food first; in others, they
watched their dining partner receive a meal before them. Those who were served
first rated, on a numerical scale, how long they felt they should wait or
whether they should start eating. Those who were still waiting evaluated what
they believed their companion ought to do.
The results showed a clear gap between how people judge
themselves and how they judge others. Individuals served first thought they
should wait significantly longer than their dining partners actually expected
them to.
Why People Judge Themselves More Harshly
Further experiments explored why this happens. Participants
were asked how they would feel about their co-diner eating or waiting, and how
they would expect their companion to feel about them. Results showed that
people expected to feel better about waiting themselves – and worse about
starting to eat – if their food arrived first, than they predicted others would
feel in the same situation.
The study also tested whether interventions might influence
behavior, such as encouraging participants to consider their co-diner’s
perspective or telling them that their dining partner had explicitly invited
them to start eating.
Implications for Restaurants and Social Settings
The research suggests this is why people would still
encourage co-diners to break the norm, and that restaurants should avoid
putting diners in this situation where possible.
Professor Steinmetz said, “The decision of when to start
eating food in the company of others is a very common dilemma.
“Norm adherence dictates that we wait until all food is
served before starting, and disregarding it feels rude and discourteous to us.
Surprisingly, this feeling barely changes even when another person explicitly
asks us to go ahead. It occurs because people have greater access to their own
internal feelings – such as appearing considerate or avoiding social discomfort
– than to others’ psychological experiences.
“In these situations, we should be aware that we’re only
waiting for our own benefit, and co-diners probably mind far less than we think
if we wanted to go ahead and eat.
“People will wait to feel polite, but if the quality of
their food is dependent on factors like temperature, it may not taste as nice
when they finally do start eating.”
Psychological Access and Broader Implications
Professor Scopelliti added, “This is not just about
politeness: it’s about psychological access.
“We can feel our own internal discomfort, guilt, and the
positive feelings from appearing considerate, but we can’t fully access what
others are experiencing internally. So, while we might feel genuinely awful
about eating before others get their food, we assume others won’t feel as
strongly about it.
“Results of our study have implications for restaurants and
beyond. Any service where people receive food at different times within a group
creates similar psychological dynamics. Providers often optimize for
efficiency, without realizing that some people experience genuine discomfort
when they receive service before others in their group.
“The research shows how much we systematically underestimate
others’ internal emotional experiences, which contributes to broader
understanding of social norms and group dynamics.”
Reference: “Wait or Eat? self-other differences in a
commonly held food norm” by Anna Paley, Irene Scopelliti and Janina Steinmetz,
22 April 2025, Appetite.
DOI:
10.1016/j.appet.2025.108021
