Trump Cabinet Officials Re-Name Themselves

“Good enough for a battleship, it’s good enough for me,” said Homeland Security chief Kristi Trump-Noem.

Mitchell Zimmerman in Common Dreams

Secretary of War Pete Trump-Hegseth and Secretary of State Marco Trump-Rubio were the first to announce that they were changing their names in a display of loyalty to the president, but they were swiftly followed by the remaining cabinet members.

A rush of orders for new business cards and government IDs is expected, but key officials are likely to be the first to see their new names recognized on repainted doors and Trump accoutrements. 

Priority is expected to be given to Attorney General Pam Trump-Bondi, Secretary of the Homeland Security Kristi Trump-Noem, and Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Trump-Kennedy Jr.

Although Trump-Hegseth and Trump-Rubio were first out of the box, insiders believe that the changes were inspired by former Secretary Kennedy, who reportedly mused that if the center honoring his uncle was to be renamed The Donald J. Trump and the John F. Kennedy Memorial Center for the Performing Arts, maybe he would change his own name too.

The renaming of the Performing Arts Center followed a renaming that created the Donald J. Trump Institute for Peace and precedes the naming of a proposed group of guided-missile battleships of the United States Navy as the Trump class.

“Kinetically lethal,” said War Secretary Trump-Hegseth.

There have also been legislative proposals, not yet acted upon, to rename or add the Trump name to Dulles International Airport and D.C. Metro, and to place Trump’s likeness on Mount Rushmore as well as the $100 bill.

Litigation is expected regarding the institutional renamings, and the three liberal justices of the Supreme Court asked the conservative block to recuse themselves on grounds of conflict of interest. 

Legal observers expect their request will be rejected by Chief Justice John G. Trump-Roberts and Associate Justices Clarence Trump-Thomas, Samuel A. Trump-Alito, Neil M. Trump-Gorsuch, Brett M. Trump-Kavanaugh, and Amy Coney Trump-Barrett.

Mitchell Zimmerman Zimmerman is an attorney, longtime social activist, and author of the anti-racism thriller "Mississippi Reckoning" (2019).