Get out your erasers and SharpiesⓇ as we align titles and names with our nation’s goals and philosophies.
By BRIAN C. JONES
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| The Gold House, formerly the White House |
ON JUNE 5, PRESIDENT TRUMP signed an executive order moving to change the name of the Department of Defense to the Department of War.
The text of the order said that change “… demonstrates our ability and willingness to fight and win wars on behalf of our Nation at a moment’s notice, not just to defend.”
In comments at the signing, Trump said the move actually
restores a title that had been used until after World War II, when, in his
telling, the country “decided to go woke” and stopped winning wars.
The Onion
That version of history would have surprised the only man who has ordered the destruction of two cities with atomic bombs, President Harry Truman, who later went on to change “war” to “defense.”
“We could have won every war, but we really chose to be very politically correct, or wokey, and we just fight forever.” said Trump, who has long been suspected of dodging the draft during his student years.
My wife points out another irony, since among the honors that Trump seems to covet is the Nobel Peace Prize, a concept that seems at war with the military department's new title.
In any case, the War Department designation got me thinking
– and I’m sure a lot of people, too – about other changes that better fit with
Trump’s vision for America.
HERE’S A FEW OF MY SUGGESTIONS. Some need just a syllable or two added or
subtracted; others. a word or two, here or there.
CURRENT NAME: The White House.
PROPOSED NAME: The Gold House.
This would fit in with Trump’s executive mansion makeover, plastering gold leaf over the Oval Office and other historic areas, converting the Rose Garden to a patio, adding a convention wing, with the goal of recreating a Washington version of the original American Dream home, Mara-a-Logo
CURRENT NAME: Department of Health and Human Services
PROPOSED NAME: Department of Death and Inhumane Services
Carries out Director R. F. Kennedy’s vision of how to make
America sick again by discouraging vaccine use and by cutting cutting-edge
medical research, while implementing the Big Beautiful Bill’s reductions to Medicaid, which are sure to be followed by reductions in Medicare and
Social Security benefits to both able and disabled Americans of all ages. A
political question: will people who are sick and dying be allowed to vote?
CURRENT NAME: Department of Energy
PROPOSED NAME: Department of Fossil Fuels
Implements the president’s vision of a nation free of wind and
solar power in favor of oil and natural gas, along with the Great Coal Revival.
“Our planet got started with a Big Bang," the president said, reading from
prepared remarks. "Let’s see if it ends the same way.”
CURRENT NAME: Harvard University
PROPOSED NAME: Trump University
“I ask you,” the president exclaimed at a signing of an agreement
between the Administration and the nation’s most esteemed university,
“shouldn’t higher education reform be about more than money? Of course
not: money trumps everything. But the 'Art of the Deal' says if you can get all
of Harvard’s endowment, plus a meaningful name change, go for it. And I’m sure
you won’t be surprised to know that the president of the Trump University and
the United States of America WILL BE ONE IN THE SAME. Thank you for your
attention.”
CURRENT NAME: Environmental Protection Agency
PROPOSED NAME: Environmental Pollution Agency
(See Department of Fossil Fuels)
CURRENT NAME: Department of Housing and Urban Development
PROPOSED NAME: Department of Unhousing and Urban Disparagement
“I would have preferred 'The Department of
Homelessness,'" Trump said at the signing. "But I wanted to keep the
gullible liberals guessing about whether I’m going woke. But don’t you worry,
whether we increase the number of homeless people or number of unhoused people,
we'll need to call out more of the National Guard to protect our wretched
cities from the poorest and most helpless.”
CURRENT NAME: Department of Homeland Security
PROPOSED NAME: Department of Homeland Insecurity
No explanation needed. Masked, unidentified thugs with
dubious police powers snatching people off the streets and stuffing them into
unmarked SUVs and sending them to secret detention centers before
deporting them to countries with names most of us can’t spell: Makes it hard to
get good night’s sleep, then to wake up to a nightmare that turns out not to be
a dream.
CURRENT NAME: Department of Justice
PROPOSED NAME: Department of Injustice
Another no explanation needed. On his first day in office,
Trump granted pardons and/or clemency to about 1,600 people convicted or
suspected of taking part in the Jan. 6 insurrection at the Capitol in 2021.
Later, his DOI went after people involved in those prosecutions or who
otherwise offended the president. Bringing criminals to justice in America has
always been iffy; now, it's that much harder to tell the bad guys from the good
guys, assuming there still are good guys.
CURRENT NAME: Department of Labor
PROPOSED NAME: Department of Unorganized Labor
“I mean, how stupid does a union guy (or gal) have to be to have
voted for me, and any other Republican,” Trump said while signing the executive
order. “Talk about un-enlightened self interest.”
CURRENT NAME: Federal Bureau of Investigation
PROPOSED NAME: Federal Bureau of Intrusion
(See Department of Injustice, Department of Homeland
Insecurity).
CURRENT NAME: Central Intelligence Agency
PROPOSED NAME: Central Ignorance Agency
The CIA has long been a mixed blessing. We need spies to know
what other countries are up to; but the agency has long been a mechanism for
international meddling. "Now, the perceived danger is that in the past,
the CIA came up with actual facts. Trust me, facts no longer matter.”
CURRENT NAME: Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and
Explosives
PROPOSED NAME: Bureau for the Promotion of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and
Explosives
“It’s time we accelerated the development, possession and use of
substances and mechanisms that maim and kill and that generally are bad for the
human body,” Trump wrote on Truth Social. “This change reflects core values of
this Administration.”
CURRENT NAME: John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts
PROPOSED NAME: Donald J. Trump Center for the Performing Arts
But you knew that was coming.
CURRENT NAME: National Portrait Gallery
PROPOSED NAME: National Portrait Gallery
Same name, but a new Permanent Exhibit: Featuring
photographs, paintings and Time magazine covers of Donald J.
Trump through the 20th and 21st Centuries.
CURRENT NAME: Library of Congress
PROPOSED NAME: None
We closed the place.
CURRENT NAME: United States of America
PROPOSED NAME: Disunited States of America
