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Friday, October 25, 2013

UPDATE: Big Party Tonight! Actually Last week.

Found on the top of the heap in the paper recycling bin at the CRCC

For our humor-challenged readers, please note that the following is a work of satire, a lampoon in the tradition of The Onion. While there was indeed a “members-only” party by the Ill Wind group, the particulars of the event are made-up (since the author was not invited). No Chariho School staff were involved in the event. No animals were harmed in the writing of this gluten-free essay.

We are re-running this piece one week after its original publication to provide you with this clarification. To read our equally tongue-in-cheek review of the party, click here.

To: All Illwind Coalition Members-Only
From: Maureen and Ron Areglado
Re: Whalerock Sale-a-bration

Dearest Illwind Coalition Members-Only,

Please join us at our tastefully appointed (not elected) Partridge Run home for a wonderful evening of tranquility and self-gratification as we reflect on the trials and tribulations wrought upon us by three years of turbine-induced terror, and sing out for the whole world to hear, “We have overcome!”

Our evening will begin promptly sometime after 7 pm with an opening invocation by Ron, followed by a short lecture, “Whalerock, My Way” by Michael Chambers, Illwind Coalition’s self-appointed (not elected) communications chairperson.

Mike will describe the ancient secret mind-control techniques he utilized to channel St. John the Baptist to guide us to a successful outcome.

Next, we are in for a well-entitled deserved treat, all the rage among the Manhattan Dinner Party crowd - the “Themed Buffet.”  Our little Partridge Run soiree´ in paradise is titled, “Yes, Virginia, there is a free lunch,” courtesy of  Illwind’s-own Chariho School Committee members, Ron Areglado and Donna Chambers, in conjunction with the Chariho Culinary Arts Program.

In exchange for a generous donation of food and wait staff, Ron and Donna have assured Susan Votto, Director of the Chariho Career and Technical Center, that the Culinary Arts Program will be continue to be fully funded through the 2015 school year. (Editor's note - remember, satire!)

After the buffet, the evening’s entertainment will be “on the cheap” as we retire to our video entertainment room to enjoy a Netflix presentation of the 1971 film classic, “The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight.”

Please respect our home and refrain from eating or drinking while we enjoy the movie. As a former elementary school principal, I should not even have to mention that gum chewing is strictly prohibited. We much appreciate your cooperation.

Brownies and coffee will be made available as you leave the house by the garage door exit. We would like to conclude our festivities by 10 pm, as our plane leaves for Las Vegas at 7 am on Sunday morning for the National Conference of similarly minded NIMBY neighborhood leaders, Abutters Anonymous. Ron will be giving the keynote address!

Hope to see everyone here on the 19th! And to set your minds at ease about the contamination issue, Illwind’s sparkplug diplomat, Kristan O’Connor conducted an exorcism in our basement last month to rid our home of the spiritual toxins left behind by a previous owner.

Yes, dear friends, the original owner of our home was (gasp) a fisherman. And not only that, he was born in Charlestown! May God show us mercy!
Peace & Love,

NB) When walking through our pristine neighborhood, it would be wise to remain at least 100’ from Bob Yarnall’s property line. This past summer he was seen entering The Purple Shell, a shanty-style jewelry store that barely meets minimum housing requirements, owned by a member of the Narragansett Indian Tribe. You all know what that means!