Exclusive Interview: CHOLERA hits Charlestown

Yet another “anti-“ group has sprung up in town to challenge the very thought of spending Charlestown taxpayer money to build toilet facilities for people who don’t live near Charlestown’s beaches. They are opposing the June 6 warrant item Charlestown voters will be asked to approve.

I spoke to Ann Onymus, president of Charlestown Homeowners Opposing Large and Expensive Restroom Amenities (CHOLERA) at her beautiful summer home near Blue Shutters Beach.

PC: So can you explain why you decided to develop CHOLERA.

Ann Onymus: Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to explain our concerns. You see, I first heard about this dreadful idea of building permanent beach facilities when I saw it written up in e-mails I get from the Charlestown Citizens Alliance. They are kind enough to e-mail me at my home in Florida.

When I read about it, I said to my husband, “Phillip, those people are trying to pick our pockets again, wasting money on something nobody we know really needs.” He agreed with me and when we opened the house up for the summer, we talked to our friends at the country club and they all felt the same way. So we decided to form CHOLERA.

PC: How long did it take you to develop CHOLERA? Does it have a lot of members?

Ann Onymous dishes about CHOLERA

Ann Onymus: Oh, it was very easy. We came up to Charlestown a little early this year. The Florida weather has been so peculiar that we thought it would be much more pleasant to be in Rhode Island.

Those nice CCA people helped us. When our other neighbors arrived for the summer, we had a lovely little meeting at the club. The CCA people explained to us how it was easy to get people organized to oppose any given thing, so long as you tell them what they want to hear.

I really can’t discuss how many members we have or tell you who those members are – the CCA people advised us against it. But I assure you that they are all the very best people.

PC: And what is it that CHOLERA stands for?

Ann Onymus: Well, our name really does say it all. No “Large and Expensive Lavatory Amenities” for us!

PC: How do you define “large and expensive?”

Ann Onymus: As a concerned taxpayer, I define large and expensive as anything that won’t fit into a large handbag or costs more than a bottle of decent Bordeaux. After all, we are talking about our tax money being spent for the benefit of people we don’t even know.

The CCA people showed us some very practical, inexpensive and portable solutions. For example, some Japanese people have come up with an excellent way for people to take responsibility for their own bodily needs without burdening the taxpayers. And I believe the CCA will propose the town sell these Japanese kits to non-beach dwellers. This would actually raise money for the town to reduce taxes. My, my, they have certainly done their research!

PC: Aren’t you concerned about public health problems if the town beaches lack adequate toilet facilities?

Ann Onymus: Young man, we don’t use the “T” word in this house! We call it the “powder room.” And if people don’t have the common decency to attend to their needs before coming to the beach, then they should stay wherever it is they call home. If not, they can buy one of those Japanese baggie things. Frankly, I don’t care what they do as long as they don’t do it near me!

PC: What are your plans for Monday, June 6^th, the special election day?

Ann Onymus: I plan to be outside of the Town Hall – my housekeeper will tell me where it is – holding the CHOLERA flag from my yacht (right) and urging people to stop the madness. Unfortunately, I will not be able to vote. I really don’t understand why, when you own a valuable property as we do, you are not allowed to vote. It seems indecent to me. You would think that this town would want successful people like my husband and I to be able to vote on financial matters, regardless of where we actually reside. After all, we know a lot more about money than the average person who lives in this place.

Author: Will Collette