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Monday, December 17, 2012

Santa's letters to Charlestown: Dear Tom

Dear Tom-Tom,

Santa here!  

Of all my CCA kids, you’re my favorite because you are a genuinely nice guy, plus you were very helpful in getting me a huge break on my Blue Cross Blue Shield policy for my uninsured reindeer herd attachment. I realize that it only applies when I’m in Massachusetts air space, but every little bit helps you know. Especially since the elves took me to court when I converted their defined pension benefits plans to worthless 401-K’s with servicing fees that effectively wiped out any meager earnings they were wishing for. Hey, Christmas ain’t for elves, I told ‘em.

In any event, on the naughty v. nice issue, a survey of the Clausian Database indicates that you actually have had it “too good” the past couple of years, and as much as I hate to say it, you really don’t qualify for anything on your wish list, which is sort of good news because you can recycle your wish list in an environmentally responsible manner. Hey, maybe a Hometown Hero award will be in your stocking! Nonetheless, I feel I owe you the courtesy of a wish list review. So here it goes…

No way you need a GPS, new or otherwise. From what I can tell, Tom-Tom, you consistently show up at the right place at the right time with the right attire saying all the right things. Here’s my stocking stuffer advice - don’t change a thing! Grab the votes and run! Forever!

Now, about the climate-controlled garage for The Red Porsche. Uh-uh, no way are you schmoozing your way into that deal. You’re gonna have to deal with climate change just like everyone else, even the townies who file 1040-EZ’s. I will, however, use my connections to exempt your vehicle(s) from current and future EPA emissions requirements. And I won’t tell anyone you store high octane leaded racing fuel in a 500 gallon underground storage tank on a nonconforming building lot “somewhere” in Quonnie. Hooray for open space!

Finally, you absolutely cannot have that  $1.3 million computer-driven laser printing press that would allow you to clandestinely alter the federal government’s conveyance deed to Ninigret Park.

I understand your pride in a professional association with the Boy Scouts of America, but any plan to annex Ningret Park and the abutting National Wildlife Refuge for the exclusive use of the National Scout Jamboree, in perpetuity, is going a bit too far. Your proposal for an onsite Bat Rescue Mission won’t get your agenda by Mr. Charlie You-know-who.

If, however, you could arrange for Delta Dental coverage for my reindeer, there may another opportunity for your scouting venue across town in Shannock. Of course, you need to be willing to lease the tents out during the off season so I can make my seasonal deliveries to families with children who would leap at the chance to latch onto any type of affordable housing opportunity in Charlietown

So Carpe Diem, Tom-Tom, and thanks a lot for decorating the town tree with dark-sky compliant lights. When I miss Town Hall and land the sled at the Narragansett Indian Longhouse instead, I’m leaving them a fleet of slot machines. Try to talk your way outta that one!

Ho-Ho-Ho! Merry Christmas!