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Tuesday, January 19, 2021

Dear Donald

Pack up your crap and just leave

By Helen Philpot

I’d call you Mr. President, but you never bothered to act like one. With no respect where none is due, I must insist that you sit down and shut the hell up. We are done with you.

I know you find it hard to believe that you lost the election. It must amaze your tiny brain and make your enormous ego soar to know that over 70 million American’s voted for you. 

It might seem incredible what you can accomplish taking advantage of people’s fear and ignorance, but convincing a fly to land on shit really isn’t a very impressive accomplishment.

It’s a fly. And you’re shit.

What is impressive, stunning actually, is that over 80 million Americans turned out during a pandemic and overcame a whole host of voter suppression tactics to vote against you. Just think about that. More people voted for President-elect Biden and Vice President-elect Harris than have ever voted for a political candidate in our nation’s history. That, sir, is just how much we hate you.

But if 81 million people voting against you isn’t enough to convince you just how truly despised you are, let me clarify it for you now.

You are a racist. You are not the only racist out there, but as a rule, most Americans don’t like racists.

You are a misogynist. Again, you are not alone in that mindset, but as a rule, most people don’t like misogynists. Women can’t stand them actually.

You are an idiot. And while there are lots of idiots in the world, you alone hold the tile of dumbest, shit-for-brains President ever. EVER.

Georgia! My God Georgia, a state bracketed by South Carolina and Alabama, voted against you. Georgia, a state that has the largest shrine to white supremacy in the history of the world, voted against you. THAT is how hated you are. Georgia voting against you is like Alabama choosing soccer over football. It’s like walking into a Baskin-Robbins and ordering vanilla. It’s like Fox News hiring a fact-checker.

Twitter and Facebook have suspended your accounts. Think about that. My granddaughter has an account on Twitter. She’s twelve. Two and half billion people are on Facebook. You are not. I mean how much of an asshat do you have to be to have Shopify ban you. Shopify? A shopping app wants nothing to do with you and your stupid MAGA products.

And… excuse me while I laugh… Pinterest. Pinterest! It must have been a crushing blow to lose your vision boards for decorating Trump Hotels Moscow and Beijing. Good riddance.

Thanks to you, Americans have had to sit through 4 years of some of the stupidest shit ever to come out of Washington. Imagine going to Washington with the likes of Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley, Gym Bevis Jordan, and Matt Butthead Gaetz, and still you are the biggest loser.

Those shower heads and dishwashers you were always talking about… They work just fine. No one is complaining about them. They use less water. It’s called conservation and we have them to ensure that our children and grandchildren have access to clean water....

Since March 2020 you had one job. ONE JOB. Get people to stay safe until a vaccine was ready to distribute. You failed miserably. 375,000 people are dead because you couldn’t convince your army of morons to wear a mask… which is odd considering how easily they wear a hood. 

And what is their excuse? “It’s too uncomfortable and it won’t do any good.” Are you shitting me? Look at EVERY picture of a surgeon during surgery and then sit down and shut the hell up. “I can’t breathe in one of those. You are taking away my freedoms.” A bunch of snowflakes with you being the head snowblower.

And now that the vaccine is here, we discover that you had no plan. None. No plan to distribute the vaccine to the 327 million Americans who need it. I’m older than dirt. If the highest priority group is Group A, I should be in Group Before-A. That’s how old I am. 

Ask me if I have gotten the vaccine. Ask me how many waiting lists I am on. How many appointments that were made and then cancelled because they had run out of vaccines. Unbelievable. That god damn wall will get built before we all get vaccinated.

You positively repulse me. The way you comb your hair. The way you stand. The way you end sentences with stupid ass statements like: you wouldn’t believe or like never before

You made fun of a disabled person. You complimented nazis. You bragged about assaulting women. You have a very unhealthy appreciation of your daughter. Creepy really. You remember you have two, right? The awkward kind of clueless one and then the other one – Don Jr. No wait. Tiffany.

This latest shenanigan. This insurrection at the Capitol. What the hell did you think was going to happen? Did you really think that you would remain in office? Are you really that stupid? From where I sit, nobody is home, the porch light isn’t on, and the bulb isn’t even screwed into the socket. Your screw isn’t just loose. It’s lost. 

You are not just one fry short of a Happy Meal. The burger, the fries, the small drink, the shitty toy, even the napkin isn’t in your bag. You could throw yourself on the floor and miss. If you had an intelligent thought it would die of loneliness. You are an asshat wearing an asshat....

You lost. It happens every four years to someone. Get over it. Leave the White House and take those god-awful children and that sour puss wife with you. If possible take Cruz and Hawley too. Stay out of politics. Go back to building shitty hotels or bankrupting casinos. Spend the rest of your life writing a book or two that no one will ever read. You are now simply a page in history… a page most of us will rip out and use as toilet paper.

So please. Pack up your crap and just leave. If we never have another orange President again, it will be too soon. I mean it. Really.

(If you want to hear more from Margaret and Helen you can follow them on Twitter @HelenPhilpot)