Santa's letter to George Tremblay

Dear George,

Sir George, I feel a special kinship with you. Because you’ve been around for, well, longer than I, The Claus. Nah, just kiddin…

But not about your list. Or as you call it, your Yuletide Acquisition Prioritizer.

Frankly, I’m stunned. I never would have guessed. You had me fooled. But I like your style! So let’s get to it. As you have opined, the Planet is doomed and time is short.

I am in receipt of your post-retirement research paper, “Timbers to Toothpicks: Pragmatic Solutions for Global Warming Entrepreneurs” delineating temperature escalation within Earth’s tropical climate zone and prescribing a workable local response to the crisis.

I accept your visionary prognosis that the Planet’s tropical rain forests are essentially toast beyond 2020.  So it makes perfect sense that the Third Rock’s last 1.2 billion acres of virgin Brazilian Rosewood must be harvested posthaste -before they wind up as millions of bags of charcoal briquettes headed via container ship on tens of thousands of frankiepallets –that would be the upside - to Job Lot’s North Kingstown warehouse facility. (Yes, Virginia, there is a port at Quonset Point/Davisville.)

Mucho thanks for arranging storage for the log shipment. The sled has limited capacity and the reindeer union has a real issue with crosswind long hauls across the equator. So the log offload onto the beach is doable, pending approval of the Planning Commission.

Commandeering the spanking new Charlestown Town Beach Facility for conversion to a saw mill with light manufacturing capability, and recruiting Boy Scouts to skid the timbers up the beach on an incoming tide, is an intriguing application of CCA-approved progressive policy that we’re talkin’ about here at the North Pole.

I mean, avoiding labor costs associated with salaries and benefits, unemployment compensation, payroll taxes, that whole sack of reindeer dung that suffocates the entrepreneurial Yuletide spirit! You, George, are the spirit of Depression-era Christmases past! Ba-ha-ha humbug!

It’s not every community that can boast of offering on-site manufactured Brazilian Rosewood Lincoln Log kits, available for mandatory purchase by future generations of Charlestown families seeking affordable housing. The English-only assembly instruction guide is a nice subtle touch!

Then there's your extraordinary plan to use all those wooded parcels you've been picking up all over town to set up new plantations for those tropical woods that now find Charlestown's climate so amenable. But don't you think that if you go all plantation-owner on us that Charlestown will need to build more affordable housing? 

Unless, of course, you're one of those millionaire elderly folks who plan to use affordable housing subsidies to enrich themselves by building "affordable housing" for your plantation hands.

Your Yuletide Acquisition Prioritizer is an amazing tool! Very creative! No one else on the planet woulda thunk it, as the working class would say. Your YAP-YAP Wish List is hereby granted!

And thanks for the insider deal on the IPO. I’m in!

Logging out with pride, I remain,

Santa the Claus, PhD.