Dear
Tommy,
Santa
here!
Of
all my CCA kids, you’re my favorite because you come across as such a nice guy
(except you and I know the truth, right?)
Plus
you were very helpful in getting me a huge break on my Blue Cross Blue Shield policy
for my uninsured reindeer herd attachment since Obamacare doesn’t cover
four-footed critters.
I
realize that it only applies when I’m in Massachusetts air space, but every
little bit helps you know.
Especially since the elves took me to court when I
converted their defined pension benefits plans to worthless 401-K’s with
servicing fees that effectively wiped out any meager earnings they were wishing
for. Hey, Christmas ain’t for elves, I told ‘em.
Being
rude to people who try to speak at meetings and not keeping your promises puts
you onto the “naughty” list.
Playing
with the town’s money is not very nice either, even though I know you were just
trying to help out your friends.
Maybe
you need to give out some more Hometown Hero Awards and Eagle Scout
commendations to make up for it.
But
for this year, you really don’t qualify for anything on your wish list, especially
that thing about getting rid of the state affordable housing law, which is sort
of good news because you can recycle your wish list in an environmentally
responsible manner.
Nonetheless,
I feel I owe you the courtesy of a wish list review. So here it goes…
No
way you need a GPS, new or otherwise. From what I can tell, Tom-Tom, you
consistently show up at the right place at the right time with the right attire
saying all the right things. Here’s my stocking stuffer advice - don’t change a
thing! Grab the votes and run! Forever!
 |
| And while we're talking here, how come you give the Easter Bunny a ride in your restored antique Porsche and never offered a ride to me? |
Now,
about the climate-controlled garage for The Red Porsche. Uh-uh, no way are you
schmoozing your way into that deal. You’re gonna have to deal with climate
change just like everyone else, even the townies who file 1040-EZ’s.
I
will, however, use my connections to exempt your vehicle(s) from current and
future EPA emissions requirements. And I won’t tell anyone you store high
octane leaded racing fuel in a 500 gallon underground storage tank on a
nonconforming building lot “somewhere” in Quonnie. Hooray for open space!
Finally,
you absolutely cannot have that $1.3
million computer-driven laser printing press that would allow you to
clandestinely alter the federal government’s conveyance deed to Ninigret Park. Or
giveaway any new town land to the Land Trust or the Arnolda Improvement
Association.
 |
| Sorry, Tom. No anti-geese missile battery for you |
I
understand your pride in a professional association with the Boy Scouts of
America, but any plan to annex Ningret Park and the abutting National Wildlife
Refuge for the exclusive use of the National Scout Jamboree, in perpetuity, is
going a bit too far. Your proposal for an onsite Bat Rescue Mission won’t get past Mr. Charlie You-know-who. Neither will your anti-Canada Goose
ground to air missile system.
If,
however, you could arrange for Delta Dental coverage for my reindeer, there may
another opportunity for your scouting venue across town in Shannock. Of course,
you need to be willing to lease the tents out during the off season so I can
make my seasonal deliveries to families with children who would leap at the
chance to latch onto any type of affordable housing opportunity in Charlietown
So
Carpe Diem, Tom-Tom, and thanks a lot for decorating the town tree with
dark-sky compliant lights. When I miss Town Hall and land the sled at the
Narragansett Indian Longhouse instead, I’m leaving them a fleet of slot
machines. Try to talk your way outta that one!
Ho-Ho-Ho!
Merry Christmas!
-Santa
